GOING NO CONTACT: ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

There’s a small epidemic circulating amongst the TikTok crowd, and it’s the oft-promoted idea that some people are so “toxic” that you need to remove them entirely from your life. They’re dead to you. Persona non grata. This is termed going “No Contact,” and its unintended consequences are fractured families, heartbroken grandparents, bewildered friends, alienation, and echo chambers.

The idea of going No Contact appears, superficially, to be radically reasonable: if someone is making your life miserable, get rid of them. This makes sense on the surface, but without a solid understanding of the context and nuances of their perceived injustices, it can become a questionable strategy.

Let’s say someone is exhibiting legitimately abusive behaviors:

• lying to you for emotional tethering
• becoming a time or energy vampire for self-centered purposes
• disrespect, aggression, bullying, or intimidation
• disinterest in reciprocity unless it amuses them
• unbearable neediness accompanied by constant drama
• using you primarily for their own amusement
• misrepresenting the nature of your relationship for control or emotional leverage

There’s no question that this person doesn’t belong in your life. They’re arguably a succubus on your sanity. Yes, the word “toxic” might actually fit here. In these examples, not only is No Contact not a bad idea, it’s a worthy consideration.

But what if the person isn’t doing any of the above? What if they’re not actually abusive in the real sense of the word but merely…different than you? They voted for a different political party than yours. They’re a parent who disagrees with the direction your life is taking (or doesn't support your vision) because they want to save you from pain or suffering. They're someone who worries that your new friends or romantic partners are leading you down a bad path. Or perhaps it’s a person who has a very different worldview than you. What if it's someone that's asking you to look in the mirror and understand the consequences of your actions? These are all examples of situations where going No Contact has been applied; the concerned or unalike person labeled “toxic.”

But why?

Labeling these relatively minor infringements on your sensibilities as “toxic” and deciding to go No Contact will certainly remove your interactions with these people. But in doing so, it will close some doors in the labyrinth of your life which might come in very handy to your Future Self. Life is not a straight line from A to B. Every person alive has experienced the highs and lows, the ups and the upside-downs, and the twists and turns that life has a tendency to serve. Being willing to at least listen to and truly understand why another person feels, sees, or worries in a way that’s different than you has merit. It aids in clarity. You might just learn something, have your eyes opened to a potential pitfall, or give you cause to pause. It’s the adult thing to do. This is how mature people learn: from opposing or new ideas and others’ points of view. You don't always have to accept them. But listening might result in unintended advantages.

For those that aren’t egregiously harming you, let’s just call it information -- because it is. In the end, you may decide that you’ll never see things the way they do, and that's OK. But are they really hurting you or damaging your life by being…different than you? Or are they just people whom you can love and accept for their caring sentiments, but disagree with? 

Limiting the amount of time you expose yourself to their (likely annoying) points of view or "agreeing to disagree" are fine alternatives to the finality of No Contact. It allows you to accept, and move past, that even though their messaging may not resonate with yours, it’s coming from a place of love. They can be more to you than just this disagreement or unpopular opinion of the moment.

And in doing so, perhaps you'll find this information (or their assistance) useful later. And later is very likely when you least expect it.