You Don't Need Relationship Closure (You already have it)

How often have you heard someone say, “I don’t understand what happened. Why did they do this? I have to find out, because I need closure.” And with these words, the utterer of this missive starts down the road of fruitless inner turmoil and finding-out ploys that can border on obsession. 

But what drives this kind of need, outside of mere curiosity? And is it just curiosity, or something more complex? The answer lies in relationship clarity and acceptance, somewhere off the poorly signed roundabout of how we see ourselves, how we saw the relationship between us and the offending party, and how bruised our ego has become by the perceived abandonment.

For instance, if you’d been communicating with Jane from an online support chat and she was suddenly gone, you’d barely notice. You see yourself as a customer looking for help, and while Jane seemed pleasant, you don’t consider your exchanges any sort of relationship. Her leaving has no impact on your ego. Ramesh is just as helpful now, so you don’t care.

But when a romantic partner suddenly wants to end things with you, offering a highly unsatisfying and ambiguous declaration like “we’re just two different people,” or “I just don’t feel the same way about you anymore,” it can send you on a relentless quest for closure. This happens because you saw yourself as desired by them. You considered your association a real relationship. And now your ego feels like it’s suffering blunt-force trauma. How dare they not want you, when you thought you were great together?

While it’s natural to feel stung by an unexpected breakup, how we handle it depends on our resilience and personal clarity. We might think:

Why would they ever want to break up with me? I’m supposed to be their object of desire. I’m a good person.

Wait. This means I’m suddenly no longer in a relationship, and this change feels uncomfortable.

I feel awful, and…

…if I can just talk to them and find out why they dumped me, I might be able to talk my way back into the relationship. I still want to be with them. And I can’t talk them out of the breakup if I don’t know exactly what they’re thinking so I can counter it with something to change their mind. Or at least make them feel bad about what they “did to me.”

And herein lies the truth.

Closure is not something we need for any real reason other than to try to reverse their decision, or at least extract an apology. Even if you don’t consciously believe you’re trying to talk the other party out of leaving, what’s the point of hearing that you weren’t wanted? It’s certainly not going to make you feel better about the situation. Unless, of course, you uncover sneaky behavior that allows you to vilify them, absolve yourself of any wrongdoing, and reframe the breakup, if not the entire relationship. And perhaps you’ll get an apology as a consolation prize.

Now, if a lens of resilience were applied to the end of the relationship, it might look more like this:

I’m surprised they broke up with me, but I’d rather it happen now than waste any more time with someone who doesn’t truly love me.

Without the trappings of an unsuitable relationship, I’m now free to refine and redefine who is suitable for me. What have I learned from this experience?

I don’t require any further answers. The breakup is an answer in itself.

Stopping the pining for what was, and no longer is, allows you to reclaim both your dignity and your sanity. It may also deliver an unexpected benefit. When you’re no longer gazing longingly in the rearview mirror, you’re free to focus on the new opportunities on the romantic road ahead: the one directly in front of you, just past the intersection of emotional maturity and clarity.